Christopher's Meanderings

There are moments when the world feels overwhelming. The inside feels as if it will make the outside come crashing in through your skull, or at least through the cavity of your chest. That’s where you feel the longing to connect with other people. It’s acute. It’s a pull toward community and authenticity and rawness. But the more you feel it, the more you are afraid of sharing and reaching out to anyone. Those buzzwords rear back more like buzz saws. You already feel as if your failures are defining you. If you reach out one more time, you may just be proved right. The self-fulfilling prophet will rear back his ugly head, shaking his mane in approval of the self-doubt and loathing you feel. If you’re lucky, he’ll eat you alive instead of just gnawing on you constantly. After all, you already doubted whether any of it was true. Social media, the plethora of choices, and the mistakes of other people have cloaked you in the drape of apprehension. It feels as if nothi

In the same way writing about a song never fully shares the experience of hearing the song, writing about this particular book seems like it will be woefully inadequate. Maybe it is just the phase of life I am in, but there are parts of this book that reached me as few books have lately. I received the book from my father in law while attending the Gungor concert at Hope College last Monday night (February 18th). It was a touching gift, and you could tell me father was excited to be there. Soren, who is ten now, immediately started to consume the book. There was nothing necessarily unusual about this as he has loved the song "Beautiful Things" since he was very young.  However, there were a few things that I immediately noticed about the book that drew me in. First, Soren was making furtive glances at his mother and me while reading. Always means there might be something worth discussing in the text. Secondly, it quickly became clear we were among the first people outs

I'm not good at being smart. More than once in my life I have had people call me smart. I have even had people say that I am one of the smartest people they know.  I don't feel smart. I don't even feel average. There are plenty of times when I feel dumb. I feel really dumb. I feel like I am failing at everything I do.  This is not a "pity me, plea." I just know a little bit of how big the world actually is at the present time. I know how little I know right now.  The world is a big place. I am a small person. I am small in my emotional responses. I am small in my ability to figure everything out. I am small in terms of my ability to respond to other people. I am small in terms of my impact. I wish I weren't.  I wish I had a huge impact. I wish I had could speak on huge stages with huge online impact. I wish I could measure my market share and do things that made a difference in the world.  I don't think I'm alone in feeling this

The ocean stretches out before me in every direction. Treading water, I can tell it's time for me to swim. Fear is gone. Reticent doubt has been removed. Only blue expanse remains as far as the eye can see and the mind can comprehend. The water is warm. I am warm. Comfortable and swallowed in the blanket of the sea, I begin to swim. The horizon breaks in jagged, gentle lines of rolling waves. Going forward makes as much sense as going backward. My muscles respond the way they always wanted to when I was in a pool or at the beach. Every stroke, every kick provides a response. Progress isn't about arriving, it's about continuing the journey. The sights are the same at each site in the journey. The blue expanse surrounds and envelopes me. Topaz mirrored with slight reflections of the light source just beyond the corner of my eye. Firm ground has never felt as right as the resistance of the water to the sole of my foot. Each kick, each movement of  a calf muscle, the ti

I recently started a second (third if you count home schooling) job at a local game store. It involves hosting escape rooms, doing some wood working, and doing some retail. I love the fact that I will be doing some things I enjoy while getting to be with people.  The best part of the job is that it works with my schedule to still travel this year in the way I want.  Today, I booked a flight to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Why? Because I had some ticket vouchers which were going to expire at the end of May and wanted to go somewhere. My original plan was to visit a friend in El Paso, but ticket prices there tripled. So, I started researching warm destinations and ended up with a reasonable round trip experience to Florida. What am I going to do there? Explore for a day, do some writing while traveling, enjoy the train ride to Chicago, and maybe try something new. Still don't know where I am going to stay, but I am aiming to do this trip as cheaply as possible. If anyone has any s

I have continued to write everyday, but some of that writing is now in my journal instead of on the blog as it seemed a better venue. However, I wanted to share something I have been thinking about- goals.  There are a number of goals I made when I was a younger person. I am a different person than when I made those goals, and the world has changed considerably since then too. Some have been postponed and others have altered.  There are a few goals which have persisted for years though. Rather than share those goals, I thought I would share some of the things which have kept me on track with both the accomplished and long-standing goals.  Motivation, or the "why," must be present for a goal to have any staying power.  Here, I am talking about how a goal is carried out on a daily basis. What makes you get out of bed?  Personally, I struggle with depression and there are times when I could just lay down and never get up. However, I know how good I feel after I w

During my high school years, I was lucky enough to spend some time at a Bible camp in central Missouri volunteering. It was lucky because I learned a lot at that camp- other Christians can show you important differences in perspective, the joy of serving students, and the satisfaction of hard work in the sweltering humidity of summer in the Ozarks.  Looking back on those times, I see now how precious they were. It was something separate and set apart from all of the hustle and distraction of high school. For me, high school was about music, girls, and grades. Somehow, these few weeks were truly holy in a way I didn't even know at the time.  My first impression of the camp was that I was going to be lost in some place time had forgotten. The surrounding hills were populated with people who looked like those old photo's from Johnson's War on Poverty as he visited Appalachia. I thought outhouses were a thing of the past, until my grandparents navigated those twisting roads

Every once in a while, a story will come up like it did near the end of of January. A stone circle which had been identified as being between 3,500 and 4,000 years old.   At its face value, a story like this may cause us to question whether scientists (in this case maybe archaeologists or geologists) really know what they are doing. Then we might doubt the scientific method.  Some things to keep in mind at this point though: 1. The circle never had a completed study done on it.  2. Even if it had, individuals in science do make mistakes. 3. ^ This is why we have peer reviewed journals as well as plenty of other forums to see if someone's findings are worth believing or not.  4. In other words, science and the way we carry out the scientific method does not and should not happen in a vacuum.  5. Testing can and should be rigorous. 6. Question everything. Believe some things. Think about how you know.    7. Be careful how and when you present things.  8. Science as a disc

I love thinking about the church and how it could be better at bringing people in. Whether it is Sunday mornings, volunteer opportunities, or smaller group gatherings- there are almost always areas local churches can improve in welcoming new people.  Why should the church bother doing this? Without welcoming people, we will not get better at evangelism and discipleship. We will end up talking to ourselves and our effectiveness decreases. Thankfully, God can use the local church in spite of itself, and often does even when we don't think about these things. However, why not try to improve if we can do so? So, in that vein, I started wondering about how we process social interactions and if there was anything we could learn and improve on in local churches. The main reason I started thinking about this was I read a short but provocative article entitled Falling Walls: Social Relationships as a Spatial Problem .  The main thing that post prompted me to think is about how people