Killing a Computer, but not so Slowly

On Friday afternoon I was enjoying a cup of tea while working. I often work in my bedroom, sitting in a wingback while a hot beverage of choice sits beside me. On this particular afternoon, it just happened to be tea. For some reason, I dropped my mug and fried my computer. I tried to turn it over and let it dry out, and I even opened up the case and tried to save the hard-drive, but it was too late. Most laptops today have hard-drives and fans that are near impossible to upgrade or fix if something goes wrong because they are soldered to other parts. This happened to be true for my old computer too.

At this point, I almost lost my temper. I had already lost it a couple times in minor ways that day, and this was going to just push me over the edge. But it didn't. Instead, I set the computer aside, went downstairs and exercised. Then, after cleaning up, I started researching a replacement plan. 

The last year and a half has been much harder for me than I ever anticipated. We moved to Michigan with much hope and very little trepidation. It seemed like a dream come true to move to an outdoors  paradise near the beach. And it was relatively affordable too, at least compared to the ocean beach towns we had visited. We thought we were embarking on a new adventure, and we were. However, like most adventures, ours has had dark times as well as bright.

First, when we arrived here we were coming off a week of acute sickness. My parents helped us in the move, but I ended up moving about eighty percent of the boxes as everyone else was weak and tired from the intestinal bug we all had had the joy of carrying. After moving into the small cottage we would occupy for the next couple of months, it felt like my parents left almost immediately. This created a bigger gap emotionally than expected. We eagerly looked forward to Carrie starting her job and having opportunities to meet friends. As she started work, Carrie realized there would be a steep learning curve to this job, and I was soon back into the routine of home schooling our boys.

Probably the brightest spot, at least for me personally, was the discovery of a local board game store where I have met people to share games and conversation with on a regular basis.  We found this store early on in our experience here. One other helpful thing was meeting a local family who also attended classes at the Outdoor Discovery Center. We became friends with them, and without their friendship our time would have been much harder.

We bought a house which met many of the requirements we had been looking for in a home. Our home in Cincinnati never felt like it had the space to accommodate the number of guests we often had in our last home. It felt cramped, and our current house has a large living room on the first floor in which we could seat a number of people comfortably. The furniture we bought reflected our hope in this respect. We began working on a few projects deemed necessary for improvement before moving in, and then took our residence in November of 2017.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is our search for a home church. We have bounced in a way I never anticipated before moving here. We tried a famous church in Grand Rapids, that experience ended when their Easter service didn't have room for all of the children attending. Kids are important to us, not just because we have two, but because we believe children can accept and share the Gospel in a way older people often can't.  We then attended a large church in the area where we wanted to get involved or take next steps, but it never felt like the right time for several reason. Small groups weren't available without having to find child care (have I mentioned we don't have a strong support system here)? Membership classes weren't offered on a regular basis, and you had to be a member before volunteering for programs.

But back to the house. The boys have found friends. They both have been able to have friends over to the house and have a couple of really good friends who live across the street from us. This is the greatest part of living here- our boys are happy and much better adjusted than living in Cincinnati. In Cincinnati, we always had kids at our house, and the boys had friends, but a couple of the boys in the neighborhood were bullies at times and didn't always treat others with respect. I miss the neighborhood though, and I miss our house and yard always being busy with kids. The home school support and community is also stronger in this area which is a good thing.

Here we were, with the boys playing and enjoying themselves and growing. Carrie and I love hosting people, and yet we found that our house was often empty. We were no longer hosting meals and game nights like we had in Cincinnati. I really appreciate the people I have met at Out of the Box (the local game store), but I have no close friends yet, and I am not sure that I will have that level of friendship here. It often feels like I am still an outsider.  Maybe this will change in time, and I hope it does.

Alongside all of this, I decided to start looking for another ministry position. This desire came from several reasons: 1. I love the church. 2. It seemed like house church wasn't going to work here. I had conversations in the first year with many people, and very few seemed genuinely interested in the idea. It may have just been too foreign with all of the traditional church options here. 3. My passion is really in equipping and discipling ministries. It's part of the reason I stepped away from my role at Christ's Fellowship a few years ago, I wanted to be more directly involved in these areas and felt like my time commuting was up, looking instead for ways to use this gifting in areas like house church or church planting. It is the same reason we stopped attending Movement after a year, we wanted to use these gifts and our home for this purpose. 4. I got to preach at a week of camp again. I loved being with students, sharing the messages, and focusing on what I feel called to do.

So, I started applying to churches again this fall. I was hoping to find a good part-time, or ideally full-time position. My heartbeat is to be around people.  I currently do a job where I am stuck in front of a computer, and it is the opposite of life-giving.

Added to that, we suffered loss of friends and acquaintances this year.

Last winter, we powered through more sickness than we had experienced in our entire married lives.

This whole jumble of things has led me to times when I am short-tempered, sad, moody, and not feeling myself.  I am not a perfect person, and these things bubble through when my expectations are out of whack.  I yearn and pray for a good ministry fit, and it just doesn't come. Being a stay at home dad is hard. Self-doubt is a constant companion.

Then Friday shows up. I already made mistakes that day, unkind words and harsh temperament reared their ugly heads. Monsters of inner turmoil, sin, and emoluments of its effects rose up, ready to strike out at others.

Thankfully, God gives grace.  I experienced grace in this failure. It was the best possible way to start a short weekend away where we visited family in Northern Indiana. Knowing I could fail, that sometimes things are really screwed up and I'm still alright because those things don't define me. 

The computer died Friday, but so did my anger. It had been a slow burn, searing at the edges of my insides.  I can't control many things, and even those things I can control don't define me. This is the reality I was reminded of on Friday.

I'm thankful for grace.